If you've never seen an elephant ski...

2007

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posted by Su @ 13:02 1 comments

My life in 2-D

When I'm not working, I'm sleeping. If it's neither of the two then I'm staring wistfully into my glass of wine thinking of London.

Much like tonight.

Arse!

posted by Su @ 23:47 6 comments

Dream Lemon

Last night, I dreamt that I was helping the Bee Gees defend Australia against an invasion by a hoard of lemons wearing dentures.

posted by Su @ 00:08 0 comments

School for the driven

I was out for drinks with friends tonight and one of them started talking about her impending driving exam. I'm probably one of two or three people in my group of friends who doesn't have a driving license yet, for a variety of reasons: 1) when I was old enough to do the test, I was living in London and didn't really need a car; 2) Geneva has an excellent public transport system, so I still don't really need a car; 3) every time I have enough money to afford the extortionate fees for driving lessons, I always end up spending the money on a holiday instead.

And that's what I told my friends when they asked why I had never done it. Jannus, the friend in question who is taking her exam in December, (strategy: wear a tiny mini-skirt or, in the case that the examiner turns out to be a straight woman, a pair of overalls and a scratchy woollen jumper), suggested getting lessons from Nicolas.

Now, that's not a great idea because I can imagine I will make him very nervous. My dad would be the ideal candidate to teach me, because he has good driving habits and is quite calm, but he hasn't agreed so far.

As for my mum... I hitched a ride with her yesterday after work, to go to dinner. I was pretty tired so I feel asleep as soon as I got into the car. I woke up to hear my mum shouting "No, you are a crazy fucker! Yes, you!" and wagging her finger madly at a motorcyclist who was doing the same thing back to her.

My mum who thinks it's perfectly acceptable to overtake another car, sometimes even two, going around a bend. My mum who curses like a French rapper when she gets stuck in traffic. My mum who drives her Volkswagen Golf like she's driving an armoured tank. My mum who thinks that stay-at-home mothers, and basically anyone who isn't driving to work in the mornings, should be required by law to stay off the roads until after 9:30. (That one's probably punishable by death in her world.)

No, my mum probably isn't the person to ask for lessons from.

posted by Su @ 23:24 0 comments

Bah, humbug!

The decorations have already been up for a week and yesterday I heard the first rock-remix Christmas carol of the year. (The song was sung by a blatantly white 12 year old who sounded like he was on drugs. Maybe he was...)

Soon it really will be Christmas every day.

posted by Su @ 10:14 0 comments

Beer goggle effect explained

Alcohol is not the only factor in the beer goggles formula

Scientists believe they have worked out a formula to calculate how "beer goggles" affect a drinker's vision.

The drink-fuelled phenomenon is said to transform supposedly "ugly" people into beauties - until the morning after.

Researchers at Manchester University say while beauty is in the eye of the beer-holder, the amount of alcohol consumed is not the only factor.

Additional factors include the level of light in the pub or club, the drinker's own eyesight and the room's smokiness.

The distance between two people is also a factor.

KEY TO FORMULA An = number of units of alcohol consumed S = smokiness of the room (graded from 0-10, where 0 clear air; 10 extremely smoky) L = luminance of 'person of interest' (candelas per square metre; typically 1 pitch black; 150 as seen in normal room lighting) Vo = Snellen visual acuity (6/6 normal; 6/12 just meets driving standard) d = distance from 'person of interest' (metres; 0.5 to 3 metres)

They all add up to make the aesthetically-challenged more attractive, according to the formula.

The formula can work out a final score, ranging from less than one - where there is no beer goggle effect - to more than 100.

Nathan Efron, Professor of Clinical Optometry at the University of Manchester, said: "The beer goggles effect isn't solely dependent on how much alcohol a person consumes, there are other influencing factors at play too.

"For example, someone with normal vision, who has consumed five pints of beer and views a person 1.5 metres away in a fairly smoky and poorly lit room, will score 55, which means they would suffer from a moderate beer goggle effect."

The research was commissioned by eyecare firm Bausch & Lomb PureVision.

A poll showed that 68% of people had regretted giving their phone number to someone to whom they later realised they were not attracted.

A formula rating of less than one means no effect. Between one and 50 the person you would normally find unattractive appears less "visually offensive".

Non-appealing people become suddenly attractive between 51 and 100. At more than 100, someone not considered attractive looks like a super model.

posted by Su @ 10:13 0 comments

How to kiss someone passionately

Fantastic!

posted by Su @ 15:42 3 comments

Ode to spam

Something amusing that I received today...

I would like to thank all of you who sent me chain emails during this year. Thanks to you:

1. I found out that Hotmail would be closing my account 170 times.

2. I accumulated 3000 years of bad luck and risked death 67 times because of chain emails that I didn't forward.

3. When I leave IKEA, I don't make eye-contact with people anymore, because I'm afraid that someone will kidnap me, take me to a hotel, drug me, remove one of my kidneys and sell it on the black market.

4. I transferred most of my savings to the bank account of Amy Bruce, a poor little 8 year old girl with a life-threatening illness, who has been in hospital more than 7000 times so far. (The funny thing is that she's been 8 years old since 1995.)

5. My free mobile phone never arrived, despite me clearly adding my email address to the list of people who wanted to receive one from Nokia.

6. I signed a petition to save the Belarusian short-furred dwarf squirrel from extinction.

7. I know how to perform a love spell: simply write the name of the person you like on a piece of paper, whilst thinking about them, scratching your arse and turning in a clockwise direction around a Renault 4L. (It's not easy finding a Renault 4L these days.)

8. I've read 4690 emails about how special women are.

9. I've read the email about the totally undetectable virus about 50 times... the one that will not only totally confound all my anti-virus programmes and screw up my hard drive but will also short-circuit the tv, the stereo, the coffee-maker, the plumbing and my vibrator!

IMPORTANT: if you don't forward this in the next 10 seconds to 8500 people, a dinosaur from outer space will come to eat your family tomorrow at 17:30.

posted by Su @ 22:34 0 comments

It's spam captain, but not as we know it

posted by Su @ 21:04 3 comments

In seven hours it all starts again

Number of things I crossed off my to do list at work: 2
Number of things left on the to do list: 94
Number of times I yawned at work: 149
Number of cups of coffee: 2
Number of clean shirt I could wear tomorrow: 0
Number of times I was asked whether I was going to get married and move into my mother's house: 2 (honestly)
Number of times I subsequently wonderer whether this would be the case: 4
Number of times I wanted to smack someone: 5
Number of After Eights eaten: 5
Number of trips to the bathroom: 4
Number of Wikipedia entries I read: 4
Number of newspaper articles I read that made me wonder whether it was just me or whether the author's ghostwriter was on holiday: 1
Number of people I chatted with by IM: 4
Number of times I dreamt that I was in my bed: 3
Number of times I spoke to Nicolas: 7
Number of minutes spent at lunch: 75
Number of drinks I had after work: 1
Number of friends I went out with: 6
Number of times I cursed for not wearing a warmer coat: 1
Number of songs I listened to on my iPod: 15 1/2
Number of possible plans for New Year's Eve: 2
Number of times I thought of having sex with Nicolas: 5
Number of times I was sarcastic: 402
Number of times I sneakily checked my reflection: 3
Number of hours of sleep I was hoping to get: 8
Number of hours of sleep I am actually going to get: 6 1/2.

posted by Su @ 23:57 3 comments

You're making me angry. You wouldn't like me when I'm angry!

A friend had a film-themed fancy dress party to celebrate his birthday. Shame my ripped shirt can't be seen in all its glory and at this point I had taken off my green wig which was just too damn itchy.

posted by Su @ 00:41 3 comments